Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

I've been meditating on some things this morning and quickly, painfully, realized my need for repentance.


You know how I said, in the last entry, how my heart wasn't in my garden? I realized when I wrote it that it went deeper than that. Not regarding the garden, but my heart condition. Where has my heart been? I haven't been enjoying half of what I usually enjoy... it's been so long since I spent a day just relaxed and joyful. Stress is the only constant in my life right now. That right there is a clue that my heart isn't right! The answer is in my last entry.

I went to Matt. 6 today to remind myself what I always need to remind myself, that tomorrow has enough trouble of it's own. What stuck out this time, however, was the bit about serving Yahweh or Mammon.

I haven't been able to shake the realization that my focus has been on Bobby's work and where the next "paycheck" would come from. And the realization that I have been doing this so long I really don't know how to focus on anything else. ... This is so ugly. I hate to share it here. But it's real. And you deserve real.

What else have I been doing but serving Mammon? I manage to distract myself from it throughout my day, sometimes, by cleaning the house or focusing on the kids, spending some time in the word and thanksgiving, but then it's there again, eating at me...

Scripture says that fretting leads only to evildoing... ONLY. Only.  It doesn't work the way you want it to, even sometimes.

It's a very bleak existence, living from paycheck to paycheck. Focusing on it. Feeling relaxed only when the most pressing bill is paid. I hate it. I hate it and I don't know how it got this way. Someday I'll wake up and see that my whole life is over and I spent it all worrying about tomorrow and not living for "today." That terrifies me. I've been asking myself for the last couple days... "What else was there...? Before this trial-by-paycheck, what did I live for?" I'm reminded of the scene in "The Labyrinth" when Sarah eats the poisoned fruit and she's wandering around, knowing there was something she was doing, something important, she just can't seem to remember...

In case you've never been here, it's not just about how are we going to get such-and-such bill paid... that always seems to work out somehow, no big deal. The real stress comes with wondering if and how we should change our situation to be more manageable. Our mortgage isn't much, but maybe we should sell and start over with something we can buy outright. Maybe we should move to an area where there's more work. Scripture says that if you have food and clothing, to be content... it doesn't say anything about a roof and walls, warm beds, school books, cooking utensils, goats, land to garden on... are we over-reaching? This is where I stall. Every single time. I begin to despair and then manage to remind myself to take things one day at a time. Our Father will show us what he wants for us... and just try not to hold tightly to these things in the mean time.

I don't really care about the money. I know better. I know what's important, I do. It just... I guess it just sometimes gets away from you.

Here's the hopeful part. I have not been satisfied with this way of living. This is good news. Really. I think there is hope as long as I am never satisfied with what is not of my Father. It's when you settle for less and become content without him that you're in trouble.

Also, my Father has not left me alone to figure this out. He is ready with light, ready with guidance, ready when I am. Things will get better as I rest in him and stop fretting and begin really trusting. I'm so thankful for his healing, his forgiveness, his word and his spirit to guide me. And I'm thankful that many of the decisions that need to made really don't rest on me at all, but on Bobby, and praying for him is certainly easier than trying to figure things out myself.

I will live free today.