In-the-fire attitude

Transparency time.

You know those stories you read about people who have gone through hardship and come out on the other side victorious and praising Yahweh? This isn't one of those stories.

No, this is one of those stories about ME, stumbling around in the MIDST of the hardship, believing there is another side and praying for strength to make it through.

This morning I am a fretful, discontent, grumpy, whining wretch. All I've been able to think about is money and how tight things are. I've been pouting that Bobby isn't making very much money and has to drive so far to work. I'm upset that he's planning on sleeping in his truck in this bitter cold weather because we can't afford to drive back and forth, but there's no other work to be had. I've been fretting over how to cut expenses and complaining in my heart that we have to cut things out that the common American takes for granted. Mom's been helping get my tax info ready and there's a chance that not only will we not get the $3,000 - $5,000 that we usually get from earned income credit, we might actually have to PAY IN, because we've not earned very much this year (what do you call far below poverty level?) and the self employment tax racket is killing us. "Maybe we should go back on food stamps?" I wonder. "We'll never get out of debt this way." Whine whine.

I severely reprimanded myself for comparing our family to others. Or at least, if I'm going to compare I should compare with the large percentage of the world less fortunate than us. Do we have a roof over our heads? Are we warm? Do we eat three square meals a day? Yes, yes, and yes! And then some! The list is huge! And what does it matter how much we earned as long as our needs are provided for? Shouldn't I be pleased that we live so simply, so frugally? I have sooooo much to be thankful for that I have absolutely no reason to pout, but I wanted to share for the record that I have been (in the hopes of encouraging others). I have had a rotten attitude and, of course, put some of that onto my spouse and made HIM feel bad.

Some scriptures come to mind...

Pro 31 - She shall do him good, not evil, all the days of her life...

Ps 37 - Rest in Yahweh and wait patiently for him... Do not fret, it leads only to evildoing... better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked... I have been young and now I am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.

Always, always, I come back to this passage, which has been my prayer for quite some time:
Pro 30:7-9 - Two things I asked of Thee, do not refuse me before I die: keep deception and lies far from me, give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is my portion, lest I be full and deny Thee saying, "Who is Yahweh?" Or lest I be in want and steal; and profane the name of my Elohim.

I remembered that this morning and read it over and over, weeping, trying to come to terms with it, horrified at my hard heart. He has answered my prayer and yet I have been angry at him for it! I went upon my knees and expressed my gratitude to Yahweh for keeping me close to him, for stretching me, for refining me. In all honesty I am closer to him when my pocketbook is pinched than when I have an abundance. That's why I pray that prayer! He knows me. He knows what I need. (I suspect it's in the book because that's what we all need.)  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, though. Doesn't mean it's easy. But what a sweetness to know that when I am crushed and clinging to him, I am just where I'm suppose to be. I come to the end of myself and find him.

The trial isn't over. I don't reckon it will be for some 50+ years or so ("there remains therefore a Sabbath rest for the people of Elohim," Heb 4:9, "Let us labor to enter in" vs 11), but if I can just stay in that place right there... on my knees, clinging to him, then I think I can make it through anything.